Author Topic: Tell us a joke (Read 11539 times)

DeathWalkingTerror · « **Reply #240 on:** January 30, 2012, 07:40:59 PM »

What women would do if they had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9.

What men would do if they had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

nateEPOD · « **Reply #241 on:** January 31, 2012, 02:13:32 PM »

jollythecat · « **Reply #242 on:** February 03, 2012, 08:19:04 PM »

A man comes home from work one day to find his wife on the porch with two suitcase beside her. "What's going on?" he asks. "I'am moving to Las Vegas," she tells him. "I found out that I can charge $400 a night for what I give you for free." The guy immediately runs inside, then returns to the porch with packed bags snd says "I'am going too!" "Why" she asks. ''I want to see how you're going to live on $800 a year.''

PutridPile · « **Reply #243 on:** February 03, 2012, 10:28:11 PM »

Quote from: jollythecat on February 03, 2012, 08:19:04 PM

A man comes home from work one day to find his wife on the porch with two suitcase beside her. "What's going on?" he asks. "I'am moving to Las Vegas," she tells him. "I found out that I can charge $400 a night for what I give you for free." The guy immediately runs inside, then returns to the porch with packed bags snd says "I'am going too!" "Why" she asks. ''I want to see how you're going to live on $800 a year.''

DeathWalkingTerror · « **Reply #244 on:** February 04, 2012, 11:53:04 AM »

A man arrives home after work and was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist; he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
The husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could finish a sentence, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute; listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but then I realized I had locked the house with both my house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get back inside and get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the damned phone was ringing. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke; meanwhile the phone is still ringing without letting up!
So I finally got back to answer it, and it was your wife: she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer!
Well Mister, I TOLD HER!"

mastema · « **Reply #245 on:** February 05, 2012, 08:05:07 AM »

lol funny stuff

DeathWalkingTerror · « **Reply #246 on:** February 07, 2012, 07:18:13 PM »

My girlfriend and I were having a deep chat last night about emotions and stuff. She said, "I find it hard to let people in."
After a long pause, I replied, "Then don't clench."

I'm single now.

PutridPile · « **Reply #247 on:** February 07, 2012, 07:55:49 PM »

Quote from: DeathWalkingTerror on February 07, 2012, 07:18:13 PM

My girlfriend and I were having a deep chat last night about emotions and stuff. She said, "I find it hard to let people in."
After a long pause, I replied, "Then don't clench."

I'm single now.

Virulo · « **Reply #248 on:** February 08, 2012, 09:09:26 PM »

DeathWalkingTerror · « **Reply #249 on:** February 09, 2012, 10:06:02 PM »

This one is nasty:

Spoiler

"Daddy what's a pervert?"

"Shut up and keep sucking."

nateEPOD · « **Reply #250 on:** February 09, 2012, 11:30:01 PM »

you sick fuck

retardgrind · « **Reply #251 on:** February 12, 2012, 05:15:50 PM »

It was a mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Virulo · « **Reply #252 on:** February 14, 2012, 10:26:35 PM »

good one!

DeathWalkingTerror · « **Reply #253 on:** February 15, 2012, 09:05:48 PM »

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women.
They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
"I'm a cop", says the first man.
"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen", said the second man.
"Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

=======================================================================================

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them.
Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk.
As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring.

Virulo · « **Reply #254 on:** February 16, 2012, 06:48:56 PM »

@ those monks

DeathWalkingTerror · « **Reply #255 on:** February 17, 2012, 12:06:39 PM »

A man and his wife decide to play golf but neither is very good at it so they sign up for lessons.
The man goes to his lesson first. The instructor says, "Show me your swing so I can evaluate you." The man swings and the instructor says, "That was good but you're holding the club too tight. Try holding it gently like you would hold your wife's breasts." The man does so and he hits the ball 250 yards!
Later, the wife goes for her lesson. Again the instructor tells her to show him her swing so that he can evaluate her. She does and he says, "You're also holding the club too tight. Hold it like you would hold your husband's dick." She does so and takes her swing. Then the golf instructor says, "Try it again but this time take the club out of your mouth."

=======================================================================================

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender knocks on the restroom door and asks, "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my nuts."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

jollythecat · « **Reply #256 on:** February 18, 2012, 07:50:10 PM »

man, DWA you own this thread.
you own it. lol

xRotteNx · « **Reply #257 on:** February 18, 2012, 08:24:27 PM »

A man goes to a gunshop and want to buy a scope for his hunting rifle.
The gunshop owner says "Take a look through this beautiful scope, with that you can see my house on the hill, right by that window."
The shopper looks through the scope "Yeah I really can see your house absolute clearly,....... and your wife.....and another guy.....and I think they do some serious things"
The gunshop owner "Fuck, let me see......oh man why? why the hell she does that?", he puts the scope on a rifle and says to the shopper "I'll give you 2 bullets...1 shoot that guys cock and the 2nd one is for my wifes head,...... and the scope is yours"
The shopper "Okay I'll do it", he takes the rifle, zooms and says
"I'll only need one bullet!"

(I hope the joke is understandable cause of the translation)

DeathWalkingTerror · « **Reply #258 on:** February 19, 2012, 01:38:41 AM »

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about
having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

=======================================================================================

A man is in line at the supermarket and notices a hot blonde has just raised her hand and smiled at him.
He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although she appears familiar, he can't place where he might know her from. So he says, "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies, "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind goes back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Damn!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I fucked on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."

xRotteNx · « **Reply #259 on:** February 19, 2012, 10:03:11 AM »

A guy walks over a playground and hears some crying from a bush, he goes to that bush and looks.
There sits a little girl and weeps and weeps. The guy "whats going on" the girl says "I was raped by someone."
The guy open his zip fly and says " Today honey, is not your day"