Author Topic: Tell us a joke (Read 11539 times)

retardgrind · « **Reply #180 on:** September 23, 2011, 08:43:23 AM »

Good enough translation Skin. No problem getting the point. Too funny!

DeathWalkingTerror · « **Reply #181 on:** September 24, 2011, 07:34:52 AM »

Beer contains female hormones

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4. Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional.
6. Couldn't drive.
7. Failed to think rationally.
8. Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.

jxlxz · « **Reply #182 on:** September 24, 2011, 09:48:25 AM »

Quote from: ==skinless== on September 23, 2011, 12:36:39 AM

Here is a french one that i will try to make in english.

Ok its about a couple that was at home doing sex,the 69 position suddenly the man remember he as a appointment to is dentist in 30 minutes,so he start panicking,he say to is wive that he have to start preparing,so the man goes in the bathroom wash is teeth to remove the vaginal smell,he jump in is car and take a gum,menthol flavor and he spray some bu-cal stuff in is mouth to be fresh.

He soon arrive to the dentist very confident,then the dentist ask him to open is mouth
And said you've done a 69 before coming? hey.
The guy start panicking again and ask the dentist why you say that,the dentist tell the man well you forehead smell shit.

I hope this as the same punch in english then in french

retardgrind · « **Reply #183 on:** September 24, 2011, 07:40:14 PM »

Men to women was a great joke!

jxlxz · « **Reply #184 on:** September 24, 2011, 08:37:56 PM »

Breaking News!!!! They are starting to show porn at fuel pumps so you can watch someone else being fucked at the same time as you.

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Why are women like clouds?

They eventually fuck off and it's a really nice day.

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Disabled toilets, ironically, are the only toilets big enough to run around in.

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A girl enters an adult store and asks for a vibrator. The guy says "choose one from the wall over there". She says 'I'll take the red one". The guy replies "That's the fire extinguisher".

DeathWalkingTerror · « **Reply #185 on:** September 24, 2011, 09:29:48 PM »

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

Virulo · « **Reply #186 on:** September 25, 2011, 11:43:04 PM »

Quote from: jxlxz on September 24, 2011, 08:37:56 PM

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Why are women like clouds?

They eventually fuck off and it's a really nice day.

***********************************************************************************************************************

Lol that's so true

Orcus · « **Reply #187 on:** September 28, 2011, 01:39:24 PM »

There was a truck driver who kept his pet parrot in the cab, and one day he was hauling a load of chickens. Well, the driver was getting the itch, been a while since he'd been laid. Suddenly, a good-looking brunette hitcher appeared. He pulled over, and first thing to come outta his mouth was "No fuck, no ride". She told him to piss off. Well, a few miles down the road, he happened upon a redhead hitching. He immediately pulled over, and told her the same. She wasn't buying it. So he moved on, and a few hours later, a comely blond appeared. Thinking he might try a different line, but too tired to care, he wearily said "No fuck, no ride". She just giggled and hopped in. Well, the driver thought he was dreaming, but the girl started kissing his neck and rubbing his leg. Suddenly, she asked "Hey sexpot, where is the parrot that was here when you picked me up"? The driver noticed her window was open, and pulled over. As he glanced in the mirror, he saw the parrot tossing out the chickens while saying "No fuck, no ride".

DeathWalkingTerror · « **Reply #188 on:** September 28, 2011, 10:14:08 PM »

The geography of a woman:
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa: half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America: well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India: very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France: gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia: lost the war, haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia: very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia: with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan: most people know where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Virulo · « **Reply #189 on:** October 02, 2011, 07:32:55 PM »

Lol @ Orcus and DWT, good ones guys!

electrosonic · « **Reply #190 on:** October 03, 2011, 01:56:26 PM »

I read recently that most companies deliberately employ one useless, incompetent, talentless dumbarse, just to boost office morale, focus the other employees, and divert attention away from any management failings.

What bollocks! I've looked around the whole office, and none of my colleagues fit that description.

DeathWalkingTerror · « **Reply #191 on:** October 03, 2011, 01:58:05 PM »

Quote from: electrosonic on October 03, 2011, 01:56:26 PM

I read recently that most companies deliberately employ one useless, incompetent, talentless dumbarse, just to boost office morale, focus the other employees, and divert attention away from any management failings.

What bollocks! I've looked around the whole office, and none of my colleagues fit that description.

electrosonic · « **Reply #192 on:** October 03, 2011, 02:00:47 PM »

I cried myself to sleep every night for ten years until I found out that some cunt had stuffed my pillow with onions.

electrosonic · « **Reply #193 on:** October 03, 2011, 02:06:41 PM »

I hate being the only drunk person at a party.

It totally ruined my son's sixth Birthday.

Smkiller · « **Reply #194 on:** October 03, 2011, 02:09:12 PM »

Not necessarily a joke, but I got a great laugh out of this.

Orcus · « **Reply #195 on:** October 05, 2011, 03:50:51 AM »

Just realized most of the jokes I know are horribly racist. $:-\$

Corpseggrinder · « **Reply #196 on:** October 05, 2011, 10:03:00 AM »

Nice one Smk

DeathWalkingTerror · « **Reply #197 on:** October 05, 2011, 10:14:24 AM »

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people kneel and call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, one of the men gives her a subtle, "Well .........?"
She proudly replies, "I have a 21 year-old daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, everybody says "Oh My God."

Virulo · « **Reply #198 on:** October 05, 2011, 10:03:42 PM »

I loled hard

DeathWalkingTerror · « **Reply #199 on:** October 10, 2011, 08:52:31 PM »

A man is telling one of his co-workers about a wedding he attended during the weekend.
"I was the best man at the wedding, and during the reception I was dancing with the bride. After the first song was done, she wouldn't let go of me; so I danced the second song with her. She still wouldn't let go; so I danced the third song with her. She continued to hold onto me, and as we start dancing the fourth song, the groom runs over to us and kicks her in the crotch!"
The co-worker says, "Oh my god! That must have hurt like hell."
The man replies, "It sure did! It broke 3 of my fingers!"