Author Topic: Tell us a joke (Read 11539 times)

RigorMortis · « **on:** March 15, 2011, 12:51:04 PM »

Let's start a new topic with the best jokes ever. So anybody at a hard day's end, just enters this thread for a smile or to straighten his forehead.

I'll tell the first one :

John with suspicion, but still accepts the dinner invitation from his mother-in-law. The desk is full with goodies, meats of all sort, a real delight. In a certain moment, when his host goes out to the kitchen, John gives the cat a piece from a dish. In the second moment, the cat drops dead.

Very angry, John grabs a solid vase, and when his mother-in-law returns, he smacks her powerful in the head, almost kills her. In this moment the cat under the table : " YESSSS".

DeathWalkingTerror · « **Reply #1 on:** March 17, 2011, 03:42:56 PM »

Nice!

Here's one:

2 guys are hunting in hills behind the first guy's house. The first guy is showing off his new rifle scope and lets the 2nd guy try it.
The second guy says "I can see your house." A moment later he says "I can see your wife."
The first guy asks him what she is doing.
The second guy replies "Your not going to like this, but she's foolin' around with your neighbor."
The first guy says "That cheating bitch. Shoot her in the head and shoot him in the cock."
The second guy says "I'll be able to do that with 1 shot."

RigorMortis · « **Reply #2 on:** March 17, 2011, 05:03:49 PM »

^^ Hahahahah

Here's the next one :

A vermin family lives in a shit . The little worm asks his mother : " Mother, could we live in an apple ?"
"Yes son, we could live in an apple." " Mother could we live in a banana ? " "Yes son, we could live in a banana."
"Then why do we live in a shit ? " "Because we are patriots and this is our country son."
====================================================================
A little boy asks his father : "Daddy, from whom did I inherit my intelligence ? - from you or from mommy ?" Disapointed the father replies : "Maybe from your mother son, I still have mine."
==========================================================================
At a cardiologist's funeral, the heart shaped coffin is placed in a heart shaped grave. The flower compositions are also heart shaped. Suddenly one man starts to laugh. " Why do you laugh at a funeral, are you nuts ?"
"How can you laugh at such a famous man's funeral ?" The man replies : " I'm laughing man, because I'm thinking of my own funeral ... I'm a gynaecologist."
==========================================================================
The pessimist sees the darkness in a tunnel. The optimist sees the little light at the end of the tunnel. The realist sees the approaching train. Finally the engine driver sees three idiots on the tracks.
===========================================================================
Tommy's neighbours have a newborn child. Unfortunatelly the baby has no ears. When Tommy's family is invited to see the baby, his father explains him : "Son, this baby is their great joy, they wanted it for long. If you say something mis placed about the baby's ears, I will beat you." "I understand" - says Tommy.
When they arrived to the neighbours and saw the child, Tommy said : "What a beautiful baby. he has nice hands, pretty legs and lovely eyes. What said the doctor, he sees well ?"
The baby's mother replies : " Yes he sees very well, why do you ask ?"
"Because if he has to wear glasses, he's fucked."

I translated these jokes from my favorite football team's magazine.

retardgrind · « **Reply #3 on:** March 17, 2011, 07:04:37 PM »

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

RigorMortis · « **Reply #4 on:** March 18, 2011, 12:46:37 AM »

Quote from: retardgrind on March 17, 2011, 07:04:37 PM

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

fair enough.

DeathWalkingTerror · « **Reply #5 on:** March 18, 2011, 01:12:46 AM »

Superman is flying above the city and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing naked with her legs spread open. Being faster than a speeding bullet he figures he can do her before she realizes what is happening. So he flies down, fucks her extremely fast, and flies away.
"What the hell was that?" Wonder Woman asks.
And the Invisible Man says, "I don't know, but my ass fucking hurts!"

RigorMortis · « **Reply #6 on:** March 18, 2011, 02:04:08 AM »

Excellent

toaddy · « **Reply #7 on:** March 18, 2011, 03:56:57 AM »

haha#

DeathWalkingTerror · « **Reply #8 on:** March 20, 2011, 02:11:54 AM »

While she was speeding down the road , a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'What do you do?', asked he cop.
'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammerred, 'A what?............'
'A rectum stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet.'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked.
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.'

Virulo · « **Reply #9 on:** March 20, 2011, 12:51:21 PM »

HAhaha, good ones guys

Bartman · « **Reply #10 on:** March 21, 2011, 07:07:25 AM »

I don't know any jokes!!

But my boss IS a joke, so does that count too??

vit · « **Reply #11 on:** March 21, 2011, 07:27:36 AM »

Quote from: Bartman on March 21, 2011, 07:07:25 AM

I don't know any jokes!!

But my boss IS a joke, so does that count too??

DeathWalkingTerror · « **Reply #12 on:** March 21, 2011, 10:00:24 AM »

Matt and Gary are playing golf.
Matt's ball lands in the buttercups. He swings and swings and swings trying to get the ball out of there and all he manages to do is ruin the buttercups.
Suddenly, Mother Nature appears to him and says, "Do you know how long it took me to make all those beautiful buttercups? And you just ruined them trying to hit a stupid ball. Just for that, you will go without butter for the rest of your life." Then she disappears.
Matt yells to his friend, "Hey Gary, where are you?"
Gary replies, "I'm in the pussy willows."
Matt shouts, "Don't swing, Gary!!! For God's sake, don't swing!!!"

toaddy · « **Reply #13 on:** March 21, 2011, 11:19:25 AM »

Quote from: DeathWalkingTerror on March 21, 2011, 10:00:24 AM

Matt and Gary are playing golf.
Matt's ball lands in the buttercups. He swings and swings and swings trying to get the ball out of there and all he manages to do is ruin the buttercups.
Suddenly, Mother Nature appears to him and says, "Do you know how long it took me to make all those beautiful buttercups? And you just ruined them trying to hit a stupid ball. Just for that, you will go without butter for the rest of your life." Then she disappears.
Matt yells to his friend, "Hey Gary, where are you?"
Gary replies, "I'm in the pussy willows."
Gary shouts, "Don't swing, Gary!!! For God's sake, don't swing!!!"

thats brilliant, giving you rep for that one, hehe

DeathWalkingTerror · « **Reply #14 on:** March 21, 2011, 12:07:18 PM »

Quote from: toaddy on March 21, 2011, 11:19:25 AM

Quote from: DeathWalkingTerror on March 21, 2011, 10:00:24 AM
Matt and Gary are playing golf.
Matt's ball lands in the buttercups. He swings and swings and swings trying to get the ball out of there and all he manages to do is ruin the buttercups.
Suddenly, Mother Nature appears to him and says, "Do you know how long it took me to make all those beautiful buttercups? And you just ruined them trying to hit a stupid ball. Just for that, you will go without butter for the rest of your life." Then she disappears.
Matt yells to his friend, "Hey Gary, where are you?"
Gary replies, "I'm in the pussy willows."
Gary shouts, "Don't swing, Gary!!! For God's sake, don't swing!!!"
thats brilliant, giving you rep for that one, hehe

Thanks man! Much appreciated.

RigorMortis · « **Reply #15 on:** March 21, 2011, 12:50:09 PM »

Quote from: DeathWalkingTerror on March 21, 2011, 10:00:24 AM

Matt and Gary are playing golf.
Matt's ball lands in the buttercups. He swings and swings and swings trying to get the ball out of there and all he manages to do is ruin the buttercups.
Suddenly, Mother Nature appears to him and says, "Do you know how long it took me to make all those beautiful buttercups? And you just ruined them trying to hit a stupid ball. Just for that, you will go without butter for the rest of your life." Then she disappears.
Matt yells to his friend, "Hey Gary, where are you?"
Gary replies, "I'm in the pussy willows."
Gary shouts, "Don't swing, Gary!!! For God's sake, don't swing!!!"

must be funny to those who are familiar with golf, I don't really catch the essence to speak the truth.

DeathWalkingTerror · « **Reply #16 on:** March 26, 2011, 03:53:14 AM »

Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's filthy ways.
Jesus says he's going to pop down to Earth to see the situation for himself, and Paul agrees to join him.
When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for. Paul tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea.
Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water; but soon the water is up to Paul's chin.
"Lord, I will follow you anywhere," Paul says, "but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown."
Jesus stops and looks at Paul. "Well," he says, "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, you silly prick?"

Sinz · « **Reply #17 on:** March 26, 2011, 05:06:55 AM »

Two Nuns are painting the Rectory and one says to the other, "Hey, it's just us girls in here why don't we remove our habits so that we don't get any paint on them." With that the nuns get naked and continue painting. Shortly after there is a knock at the door, while the nuns scramble for their clothes, a voice shouts, "Blind Man!" The sisters figure there is no harm in letting in a man who can not see their nakedness. As they open the door the burly man states, "Nice Tits! Where do you want the venetian?"

RigorMortis · « **Reply #18 on:** March 26, 2011, 05:14:28 AM »

Quote from: Sinz on March 26, 2011, 05:06:55 AM

Two Nuns are painting the Rectory and one says to the other, "Hey, it's just us girls in here why don't we remove our habits so that we don't get any paint on them." With that the nuns get naked and continue painting. Shortly after there is a knock at the door, while the nuns scramble for their clothes, a voice shouts, "Blind Man!" The sisters figure there is no harm in letting in a man who can not see their nakedness. As they open the door the burly man states, "Nice Tits! Where do you want the venetian?"

it reminds me of the movie, Il Decamerone

Sinz · « **Reply #19 on:** March 26, 2011, 05:17:13 AM »

Little Joe Was the smartest kid in his class and he did always finish the tests first.

So one day after he had finished a test his teacher decided to ask him few extra questions.

The teacher asked Joe to come with her to another room..

The teacher said well Joe here's a question, "If 5 birds sit in a tree and you shoot one off them, how many birds will there be left in the tree"?

Joe Answered: "None"

Teacher: "None?, Why do you say that?"

Joe:"Well... you shoot one... he'll drop dead on the ground and the rest will fly away."

Teacher: "Wow Joe the answer was actually 4.... but I like the way you think"

Then Joe said: "Teacher Can I ask you a question then?"

Teacher: "Sure?"

Joe: "Ok.....3 Women buy ice creams..... 1 Bites it, 2nd Licks it and the 3rd Sucks it.......Now which one off those is the married one ??"

The teacher blushed.... and then answers "Uhh I'm not sure...... I guess the one that Sucks it??"

Joe" NOOOOOOOOOOO it's the one with the wedding ring........................................But I like the way you think"